How To…Stay Out Of The Dog House.

doghouse1One of the best lessons you can learn in life is how to remain calm – Catherine Pulsifer

I am absolutely, without a doubt, not an expert on remaining calm, but, over the years I have gathered a couple of key tools that keep me from creating an unpleasant environment, or, adding to an already unpleasant environment. A.K.A – staying out of the dog house.

Most of my learning’s and tools come from my BFF, Janice. Janice is also my mother, and, at times, my personal shopper/stylist. I strongly dislike shopping and I don’t have a lot of time to actually follow through with all of my amazing pinterest boards full of rad outfit ideas and accessories. I see it, I like it, I pin it but that’s as far as that little dream goes until Janice shows up. Anyways, back to my How To…

Calm is a superpower. I do not know how many times I have heard this phrase and/or by whom it was said or where I read it each time but the more time I spend on earth and the more relationships I have with people, the more this little phrase resides with me. There are many tools, tricks and surely other blogs that may be able to help you grow your superpower but here are 4 of the basics that I like to follow:

  1. Stop and think

  2. Beware – no barking, no biting

  3. Zoom out – hold the giggles

  4. Behave – don’t piss on others

Stop, ya dingus. Stop and think, are two angry dogs in a fight going to result in anything good? No. Someone is going to get hurt, ya dingus, so just be the angel that you are and just stop speaking. Stop thinking and reading into the other person’s nasty growl. I don’t know about you but I would rather play the role of a dog with a bone, not a dog with a rock up his ass. I can only assume this is an issue with dogs, like when they rub their ass all over the floor. Obi Wan is currently doing this, right now, at home, on my white rug from Janice, Sorry Jan. We are working on ending this bad habit but sometimes a dog will just be a dog, ya feel me?!

Beware. No barking and no biting. Janice says to choose your words and thoughts wisely. Anything and everything you say can and will be used against you, and, in the event that you are arguing with a fool, well, you are shit out of luck. They will not only use your words against you, they will suck them up like sweet tea on a hot day and spit them back out at you more twisted than the headphones in the bottom of your gym bag. Be careful here and get crafty in your own thoughts to yourself, if you must. My approach is to let the other person do the talking and while they are barking un-pleasantries, I simply remind myself of why I even like them. What are all of their good attributes that I love that could possibly make this hissy fit worth it? Let me ponder on the sunshine and good ‘ol days while they dig their way to the doghouse themselves. This doesn’t always work for me, I have been known to have a pretty sharp tongue when the right button is pushed. Sometimes you just have to hide your crazy[1] and leave it up to the other dog in the fight. Play dead if you gotta, ya know?

Zoom out. You can’t see all four corners of a square if you are just sitting in the middle, stomping your feet. Get up and out  from your current position, expand your thoughts and try to gain some perspective on all points. It’s a good practice to breathe while you do this. In and out, iiinnnnn and oouuttt. Make sure to do this slow as you do not want to seem like you are on the verge of a heart attack or not in control of yourself, duh. This task is quite difficult and it has caused me some severe aches of the head and stomach but hey, swallowing pills is never easy but its good for your health [2]. Surprisingly, at times when you are able to zoom out and gain perspective, the side effects may include some laughter. 9 times out of 10, I want to laugh, and at times, I just do and depending on the person, they do too. Just know that this result is not common for most people so it’s in your best interest to hold the giggles.

Behave, man. You don’t want to go around pissing on others. Not only does that look bad on you but it feels bad afterwards. I had a teacher once in grade school that gave the best damn speech about bulling and arguing I have ever heard. She had a clean sheet of paper in her hands with a smiley face drawn on it and held it up for all to see. She spoke about how clean and crisp the paper was and how there was not a single mark or crinkle in the smiley face or the paper itself. She began to ask the class to give her examples of things that bullies say. One by one each student raised their hands to shout out something fowl that they had heard on the playground or used themselves. As each fowl remark was said, Ms. Gould would crinkle the sheet of paper with the smiley face on it and it soon became just a crumbled up ball in her hands. She unwrapped the wrinkled ball and tried to smooth it out. She tried everything from using the chalkboard, her desk, books and rulers to try and get the piece of paper back to it’s original state and nothing worked. The paper had permanent creases and lines in it. Now, take a look at all of these lines, class. No matter what I do, I will not be able to get these crinkles and lines out, just like the words you speak, once you speak them you will never be able to retract, she said. Ms. Gould went on to saying that basically once it’s out there, it’s out there and someone may be able to forgive you and move on but they will never forget what you said and how they felt towards you afterwards. Ms. Gould was a real gem, she wore clip on earrings, spoke like an angel and smelled like comfort. I puked all over her and our Tuesday folders once and she still made me feel at ease. Cheers to you and thank you, Ms. Gould, wherever you are today.

The end. Now go, my one to two followers, go and share this with the world and live in peace…for your health.



[1] Hide your crazy – my fave lyrics from “Mama’s Broken Heart” is a song recorded by American country music artist Miranda Lambert. It was released on January 14, 2013 as the fourth single from Lambert’s album, Four the Record (2011). “Mama’s Broken Heart” was written by Brandy Clark, Shane McAnally and Kacey Musgraves, and is about a woman losing control after a break-up and ignoring her mother’s advice on dealing with such a situation. – Wikipedia PLAY CLIP

[2] For your health – wise words by Dr. Steve Brule – Dr. Steve Brule is an American sketch comedy television series that is a spin-off of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! starring John C. Reilly as Dr. Steve Brule. The series premiered on Cartoon Network‘s late night programming block, Adult Swim, on May 16, 2010. The program follows Brule as he examines different facets of living. His severe naiveté and social awkwardness generally land him in embarrassing situations, though he largely remains ignorant of any embarrassment he’s causing himself. As the series progresses, he reveals shocking and sometimes horrifying details about his past and personal life. – Wikipedia PLAY CLIP